Sunday, December 13, 2020

Just One More, I Promise


Some long years ago, a good friend gave me a small book titled “The Politically Correct Night Before Christmas”.  And, since the world is so weird these days, I thought to share it with you . . . .

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Nation
Not a creature was stirring, not even a small endangered rodent
The synthetic wool foot coverings were hung by the non-wood burning fireplace with care,
In hopes that the non-religiously associated Mr. Claus would soon be there;

The young people were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of green toys and healthy foods dances in their heads;
And mamma in her non-gender specific PJs and I in my sweats,
Had just settled our minds for the nightly sleep trek;

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter.
I sprang from my bed to see was the matter
To the window I ran in such a great hurry
While popping back a few Tums to deal with that evening’s curry;

The lunar sphere’s light on the sure-to-be highly polluted frozen H20
Gave the image of midday to my Prius below
When what to my wondering eyes did appear
But a smallish snow vehicle and eight size-challenged endangered reindeer;

With a vertically challenged, elderly driver so lively and quick
I knew in a moment he must be Mr. Nick
Quicker than electric cars his size-challenged endangered reindeer they came
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;

(well, ok, this one can stay. . .as long as these size-challenged mammals are getting overtime. . . )
“Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! on, Cupid! on, Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”

As leaves that before the man-caused weather event fly,
When they meet with an obstacle and fly to the undoubtedly polluted sky;
So up to the housetop the size-challenged endangered reindeer they flew
With the winter vehicle full of responsible, eco-friendly child’s things, and Mr. Nicholas too—

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each size-challenged hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney Mr. Nicholas came with a bound;

He was dressed all in faux-fur, from his head to his foot,
And thanks to our woodless fireplace, his clothes weren’t all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of responsible, eco-friendly child’s things he had flung on his back,
And he looked like an authorized street vendor just opening his pack;

His eyes—how they twinkled! his dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His quaint, size-challenged mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard on his chin was as white as the frozen H20;

The stump of a pipe he did NOT hold tight in his teeth,
And naturally, no smoke encircled his head like the wreath of a tree we just killed;
He had a broad face and a size-challenged, spherical belly
That shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of sugar-free jelly;

He was unhealthily overweight, a right jolly, elderly little person,
And I laughed when I saw him. . .how rude was I!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the synthetic wool foot coverings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the faux chimney he rose;

He sprang to his winter vehicle, to his size challenged endangered reindeer gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight—
“Happy Holidays to all, and to all a good night!”


13 Dec 2020


  1. And Arrgghhh again! Why does blogger change the formatting!!

    1. Because of all the pictures. Post the blog, check My Blog to see if it happened. Unpost the blog, hilight the entire thing, top to bottom. Then reselect formatting, hit enter after the end, and repost the blog. All should be well.

    2. fuck does it to me all the time.

  2. I love size challenged everywhere!

  3. Oh I do love this. Hope Santa fills your synthetic wool foot covering! Guess what, my son came home and said he had to practice his lines for a Christmas play. I read the play. It was awful. He said the teacher didn't really like it either. That night, I wrote a different version of Twas The Night Before involved aliens snd spaceships. He took it to school. His teacher liked it and they performed that instead! Thrilled me no end!

  4. That's hilarious! And I assume some Parents have replaced this one from the Traditional Story to be PC. *LMAOROTF*